Mindset shifts and practical tips for anxiety in our children today
By Christine Unruh, MLS, LPC, LPC-IT, Christian Family Solutions
This special guest blog post is brought to you as part of May is Mental Health Month.
“. . . In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
As Christians living in today’s world, we are not surprised at the trouble around us. This past year alone has proven to be chock-full of medical, political, health, and societal trouble. It can be difficult to deal with externally. The uncertainty, unknowns, and daily changes can also lead to internal trouble. This internal trouble may manifest itself in anxiety.
Our children today are dealing with high rates of anxiety that affect their day-to-day behavior and mood. It is no doubt that the uncertainly with “Will I be in-person, virtual, or hybrid for school this week?” or “Will my teacher or friends have to go on quarantine soon?” play a role. The unknowns of “What will it be like when I visit grandma or grandpa?” or “Is this how I’m supposed to feel?” add to anxiety.
We would be naïve to blame all anxiety in children solely on the external forces of the pandemic and society. Anxiety comes from worry, fear, nervousness, and often a desire to achieve or be seen in a certain way. Regardless of whether or not there is a pandemic, doubts and questions arise from within us: “I’m supposed to get all As, so how will I tell my parents I got a B?” Or “My classmates don’t deal with this—why would I bring it up?” Or even “If I’m worried a lot, does that mean I’m not happy?”
Below are suggestions for parents for walking alongside our children as they cope with anxieties triggered by situations around them and within them.
mindset shifts.
Worry is a part of everyone’s life. What form this worry takes, the topics it is centered around, and how it affects a person is all rather individual. This can make anxiety easily brushed over or pushed down. A person may feel like he or she is no different than anyone else facing worries. “Maybe I’m just not doing a good job handling it.”
It is important for a person with anxiety to know that he or she is not alone, both in experiencing worry and in dealing with it. Our areas of community, friend groups, Bible studies, family, and/or parents of your children’s friends are all resources for support. When we see that we are together in community rather than alone, the weight seems more manageable.
Here is what one of my client’s parents had to say:
“Through acknowledging that we needed to get our daughter professional help, and then obtaining that help, we found that there were many kindred spirits in parents whose kids were dealing with very similar issues. Today, our daughter's friends, family, and school support system are all at least somewhat aware of her anxiety and her progress through therapy. There is very little stigma that we, and she, now attach to any of that. However, we first had to take that (what used to be) scary first step, and reach out for help.”
reaching out for help.
Mental health challenges, anxiety in particular, are best viewed in a whole person approach. It is not just school, just the baseball team, nor just a family issue. It can be difficult to know when to reach out for more help.
First, seek help from your immediate community. It is okay to tell a teacher you have been working with your child on praying about worries. That teacher may be able to pray alongside your child. You can tell your club or activity leader that your child gets anxious over multi-step direction. They may be able to break it down easier. These are support systems that can help build up your child while working on social emotional skills.
Choosing to get more help does not mean your parenting is unfit or that your child will need counseling for an extended period of time. Many children see counselors and build their skills while parents learn for signs to look for. Working alongside a professional counselor can provide an outside view on the patterns developed and give ideas for practicing new habits.
Here is what one of my client’s parents had to say about our collaboration:
“We expected to be involved and informed of what our daughter was learning and talking about, but we have now learned more about the stages that she has progressed through, and the role we play in encouraging and supporting that growth. It was somewhat unexpected to receive the education we have. We learned about first talking our daughter through anxious situations, then helping her by encouraging her own process to talk through them, and finally supporting her own ability to mentally work through the same issues with very little engaged support from us. Certainly, not everyone's progression will look the same as our daughter's, but the more general point holds true, that we learned how to deal with anxiety—ours and our daughter’s—by having her meet with a therapist about it.”
Of course, choosing a Christian professional counselor means your family will receive the clinical support needed and the spiritual support as well. As I mentioned, we are “whole people.” When our treatment for anxiety or other mental health concerns addresses the whole of our being—physical, social-emotional, spiritual—then true healing can happen as God intends. He gives us resources—professional, personal, spiritual—to meet our every need.
practical tips.
Here are a few practical tips for parenting a child who may be prone to anxiety.
label the feeling
Feelings are not simple. Identifying and separating fear from anger can be hard. Acknowledging worry within joy can be confusing. Help your child learn to process this aloud by labeling feelings as a family.
“Did you see Bugs Bunny? He looked annoyed to me, what do you think?”
“Uh-oh, your tears tell me you must be feeling something. What is it?”
“I just dropped my coffee all over the floor, and I am angry about it!”
Giving the freedom to have an emotion but not have a consequence for the emotion is a large but important lesson to learn. Speaking the emotion words aloud give less power to the emotions while building communication within your family.
structured but flexible
Knowing what to expect of their day is beneficial for all children—those with anxiety, ADHD, and other challenges, and those without these challenges. Summer can be a time of acting out or more worry because their structure (school) is not in place. To help alleviate the stress, provide consistency in their schedule, but allow for changes.
For example, have the kids make breakfast for themselves during the week, always have outdoor time for an hour before lunch, or establish rules such as “no screen time after dinner.” Working around meals is helpful because the structure is there already.
Many of you may pray before bedtime. This is a routine and structure for evening. This is so important because there are no surprises or changes, and your kids understand what to do. More importantly, you are building time with their Savior into their day.
Simple structure with consistency can take away the unknown for your children and help you as a parent make fewer decisions in the day.
model behavior
You may have heard of typical coping skills for anxiety:
Deep breathing
Spending less time on electronics
Praying
Exercising
Modeling these habits as parents builds habits for your children. Explaining the purpose of these helps your children understand. “I am getting frustrated at the internet not working … I’m going to take a break now.” Or “Your mother has stress over something she has to do … she’s taking care of it by going for a walk.”
Despite the constantly changing internal and external battles we face, we know that God is unchanging.
“For I the Lord do not change; therefore you, O children of Jacob, are not consumed” (Malachi 3:6). Christ has conquered all fears, internal and external, on the cross. What comfort and peace to know that the one who governs our days and watches over His people continues to love and care. The Triune God loves and cares for each of us.
Christine Unruh is a Licensed Professional Counselor for Christian Family Solutions. If you or someone you know could benefit from professional Christian counseling, please call CFS at 1-800-438-1772 or visit ChristianFamilySolutions.org.